| Here's a look into my little world. What's going on in yours?
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| [Man 1] Beowulf... Was that Shakespeare?
[Man 2] No.
Blah blah blah...
[Man 1] Shakespeare... He wrote Romeo and Juliet... And what else?
[Man 2] I don't know.
[Caleb] Rends garment, throws dust on head. Exits. |
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| In an unexpected development the New York Yankees have been released from their duties as “Official Rivals of the Boston Red Sox” Boston General Manager Theo Epstein said today. “Following the Yankee’s loss of five of the first six games of the season rivalry series, and impossibly bad performance thus far the Red Sox organization, with strong backing from Red Sox Nation fans have decided to suspend the Yankees status as rivals indefinitely.” The suspension is reported to become effective immediately and continue, “Until the Yankees decide to start playing like a proper baseball team.” Boston Manager Terry Francona added that “Red Sox Nation deserves the kind of back and forth dogfight to the playoffs that they’ve become accustomed to since the inception of Major League baseball. If the Yankees can’t deliver then we’ll have to look elsewhere for our rivalry needs.” With some twenty teams with more wins than the Yankees the Red Sox have plenty of options to choose an interim rival from until the Yanks get their act together.
Written in the style of The Onion. |
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| I enjoy the environment; I think it's a cool place to be. I don't want it to turn into a hard baked constant version of west Texas, or worse a suitable setting for an absofuckinglutely awful movie by Kevin Costner. I learned a few things on my recent trip and some of them have to do with being environmentally friendly. Some don't. One that doesn't is that in addition to prefix and suffix there is something known as an infix. An infix is where something similar to a prefix or suffix occurs in the middle of a word. This is uncommon in English, in fact only one exists. Fucking. As in, Fanfuckingtastic.
Something I did learn about being environmentally friendly is that a Toyota Prius uses approximately no gasoline. However, after 3700 miles one realizes that said Toyota is about the size of a beer can. One comes to this realization much sooner if one happens to be over six feet tall. My Chevrolet is no guzzler, but it certainly has a drinking problem, but I'm willing to live with that. I look like an unfolding lawn chair trying to get in and out of this thing.
I learned that legislators in the Northeast have come to the realization that cars get better gas mileage at lower speeds. (Didn’t we figure this out in the seventies?) Unfortunately drivers in the Northeast have discovered that if they all ignore the speed limit then the police won't bother them. Fortunately the great state of Connecticut seems to not have police, so that matter was already solved. I learned that tailgating a law-abiding driver is acceptable and that most other traffic laws do not apply. I learned that you can get a funny reaction by tapping your brakes at a tailgater. In the civilized world this means "Back off a bit." In the NE it amounts to an insult akin to commenting on the tailgater's sister's overt sexuality. Should I ever go back I seriously intend to have a sign on the back of my car that says "ARMED SOUTHERNER KEEP BACK 100 FT."
By contrast Ohioans are very nice drivers.
Other tidbits that I picked up...
While many folks know that the Interstate Highway system was the brainchild of Dwight Eisenhower, most do not know that he pushed the plan after traveling with a military convoy from San Francisco to D.C. A journey that took 62 days. This from a very helpful sign at an Ohio rest stop.
The best rest stop in the United States is at Lake Chautauqua in New York.
In Binghamton New York it is nearly impossible to make a left hand turn, it is also illegal to make a U-turn once one has finally gone to an intersection large enough to warrant a break in the 2 feet of grass that serves as a median. I must have turned around in the Liquor Warehouse parking lot so many times they thought I was casing the place. It is also illegal to make a right on red when turning onto an almost always-deserted one-way street.
Akron Ohio is the "Home of the world's largest population of nice people."
The only socially acceptable hairstyle in central Indiana is a crew cut.
I drove all the way across Indiana twice without seeing a single basketball goal.
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